Personal Reflections

Okay so I know that many of you have been waiting to hear some news from me. I have been especially bad lately, really the past few months, with writing emails, posting blogs, and sending out pictures. I really am sorry about that. Like you all know, I have been really busy. Actually, it’s not even that I am busy, it’s just that I am enjoying myself and I can’t seem to get my mind in a place where I feel like writing. I don’t want to force it and it’s only been recently that I have sat down and given myself the time to do some reflection and to formulate my thoughts. A lot has been going on lately. I have been busy with community activities, hanging out with my host family, and some last minute traveling before I leave. As the end of my service gets closer, I am experiencing a mix of emotions. I finally decided that I need to do some processing and get my feelings down on paper. I don’t want to forget what I am going through now and I would like to be able to look back one day and see the person I became after spending two years in the Philippines. Most of my blogs talk about what I have been up to, where I have gone, funny or stressful mishaps at work or with my family. This time I want to focus more on the emotional side of things and what has been going on in my mind as I am about to leave my life here.

I wrote in my journal last week so for this blog I am going to go back to what I wrote and share some of those thoughts with all of you….here it goes….

I take the fact that I haven’t written for so long as a sign, that overall, I am in a much happier mental space these days. I don’t need to get out my frustrations and anxieties because lately, I haven’t really had that many. I am usually inspired to write when I’m upset, emotional, or depressed and use it as an outlet of expression – a way to purge myself of all those negative feelings. I keep meaning to do a blog but every time I think about it, there are other things I’d rather be doing. The past few months I have been feeling much closer to my host family and feel more included in my community. It has made all the difference to feel emotionally connected to the people I see everyday. I have people I can be completely open with other than my Peace Corps friends. I’ve always been close to my host family and I’ve always shared with them my problems but before, when I was having a more difficult time, I had the tendency to shut myself off from them. I’d avoid them and I would limit any interaction by hiding out in my room or busying myself with insignificant tasks. I was quieter around them and didn’t start up new conversation. I became extremely passive aggressive. I didn’t realize then that I was not being myself. Now, I can reflect on that time and see the difference. I’ve had many instances lately where I’ve taken a step back and looked at my present situation and noticed that I am having a really good time, I’m not pretending, I’m not just going through the actions, I am genuinely happy and being 100% me. I joke around with them more, act silly and goofy, complain when something bothers me, and I notice that I am never in a hurry to go off and do my own thing. I am content sitting around for hours at a birthday party or even just in front of my house having merienda or doing chika chika. As long as I am in their company, I am having a good time. Maybe that’s why I haven’t finished a book in 3 months, exercise once a week if I am lucky, and still haven’t watched season 2 of House I got back in January. Don’t misunderstand me, I have always enjoyed my host family and considered myself very lucky to have been placed with them. However, a lot of the time I would dread big get-togethers, get restless just sitting around, and take any opportunity to get away and go to my room. This change has not only been one-sided. I notice that people can tell when someone is not themselves. My family here in Lamut has lived with me long enough to know when I am being natural and when I’m not. I think our relationships have strengthened over the past couple of months because I am truly happy here and being just me. I’m more outgoing and friendly, which makes me a lot more approachable. They can see that I am truly enjoying myself with them. Even my attitude at work has changed. I enjoy going to the school. I don’t feel stress or anxiety like I did and I simply feel relaxed with my approach to life. A lot has happened the past couple of months: graduation, fiesta (my host sister in a beauty pageant), baptism (I am now a god mother), our COS conference (last time together with our batch of volunteers), and a trip to Batad a year after Julia’s death. I expected to feel sad and depressed and maybe a little anxious to go home at this time. A year ago, I had already started counting down the months I had left. And now, a year later, everything has completely turned around. This is where I am now….. I am happy living here. I have no urge to go home. I’d like to see friends and family back home but honestly, the thought of it freaks me out a bit. I don’t want to readjust back home. I don’t want to have to deal with it and I don’t want to change. I like who I have become and I like my life here. I know that when I leave here and I see them again, it will mean that I have said goodbye forever to my life in the Philippines. I will no longer be going back to my family in Lamut and I will no longer have the support of my fellow volunteers. Having them around has been amazing and I am a little scared to face the world back home with out them close by. They understand my life here and get what I’ve gone through. We are connected by this experience in a way that I will never have with anyone at home. No one at home is really going to get what it was like here. And it’s been a long time. This is all I have known for 2 years. I can’t believe it’s passed already and I can’t imagine all the changes people have gone through but for us, time stopped. We were transported to this place where the only things that mattered were what was right in front of you. We had 2 years to step away from fast paced American life and all the distractions that come with that lifestyle, to work on ourselves: grow and learn and mature in ways that would be impossible back home. I feel so lucky and even proud of myself that I took this opportunity. It’s been the best thing that has ever happened to me. At our COS conference, a fellow volunteer showed us a video she took in Detroit before we came here. I couldn’t believe myself. Not only was I surprised at my face with an extra 10 pounds but I could see how different that person was from the person I am today. It’s hard to see it in yourself. Change is so gradual. But our friend definitely gave us a treat. What I saw was a young, naïve, confused girl. I know that girl to be pleasing, live up to others expectations rather than her own and to fall into the “cute young girl” mold. I see her as a girl. No one would have taken her seriously and I don’t know how I would have ever gotten a job. I didn’t even take myself seriously. I often felt incompetent, simple, and didn’t have confidence in my abilities. When I first came here, I used to stress that fellow volunteers judged me to be this ultra girly, sorority type that was mostly interested in dating and didn’t have a deep thought in her head. I felt they got me all wrong. Deep down I’ve always known that I am a very deep, reflective, intellectual, strong, independent, and sensitive woman. I grew up with boys. I went camping with my family and spent summers digging in the dirt with my mom. I used to care about what other people thought and it tore me up that they were getting me all wrong. I care a lot less now. But I think the fact that I was bothered by that opened my eyes to the problem. It got me to realize that I needed to change. I needed to be more confident and really own up to who I am. I feel that I have been successful. I am more comfortable with who I am and I don’t let other people’s expectations and misconceptions hinder me from expressing that. I’ve accepted that yes I am feminine – I like to dress up and wear make–up. I still love the color pink and regularly paint my toe nails. But I can also go a week without bathing, start a fire, wash all my clothes by hand, go shopping in my pajamas, repair a toilet, paint an entire classroom by myself, and love to sweat. I am very independent, opinionated, sometimes stubborn, yet sensitive and compassionate. I’ve learned some of my weaknesses like talking too much, saying things as they come into my head without thinking to the point of talking over people. I can be too sensitive and take peoples opinions too seriously (I’m still trying to get past this). I love people and talking with strangers and making new friends but when it comes to work it is so hard for me to give up the control and let others take over. In the past two years I’ve leaned to be happy just me. I don’t have a need to seek out a boyfriend. It took breaking up with my best friend Nick (the hardest thing I ever did before coming here) and it took me hitting a low point in my service after my break up with Adam (hardest time during my service). But I came out of both situations and I did so all on my own. I am confident in my own strength and I’m happy I can do it all myself. I don’t need anyone to justify or validate my experiences. I’m my only own guarantee for the rest of my life. All of these things I have learned about myself show that I do not need to be just one way, there are many aspects of my personality and I don’t have to give up a single one. I have come to terms with all my different traits and I am happy bringing them all together. What I’ve learned is priceless.

At our COS, I did a lot of reflecting. I talked a lot with old friends. I made amends and said things I’ve been meaning to get off my chest. I told people how much I cared about them and what an important part they are of my life. And to sum it all up – a point we brought up in one of the sessions – is that relationships are everything. Time with people we care about is the most important thing in life. Being a good friend, listening, taking the time for others and really appreciating them. Filipinas put people 1^st. They take the time to talk to each other. When I go home I’m going to pay extra care to make sure I listen to my friends. A lot has happened to them in 2 years and I know it’s important to them to share those things with me. I have friends who have had their first child, bought houses, and started new jobs: all very exciting and big life steps. I don’t want to scare them off from sharing these experiences with me because they think what I did was so much more meaningful. It wasn’t. Everyone basically lives the same way around the world. As my friend put it – we all put on pants one leg at a time. Even across the world, I got up, ate breakfast, went to work, came home, watched TV, and chatted with friends just like people at home. I hope my friends and family at home realize and are open with me when I get back home. I can’t wait to reconnect again.

To wrap this all up, it’s been amazing. Words can’t describe it. And my description can never do it justice. My companions here will get it and I’ve experienced it which is enough. I’m not ready to say goodbye to this chapter in my life. I still love it here and I am scared to move on. That is why I am putting off any big decisions at this point. I can’t even pick a day to come home. I suppose it’s going to be like pulling off a band aid and Ill just have to do it and do it fast. For all of you guys waiting and wondering at home. Be patient, I’ll figure it out and what’s another couple of months tacked on to the 2 years I’ve been away right? Most big ideas or decisions will come to be out of the blue…sometimes after months of contemplating. I am waiting for that moment. I think it will happen and I do not want to leave this place until I am good and ready. That might mean July and it might mean a few more months.

I love you all. I do miss you and our reunion will be amazing…whenever that day might happen!!!