Super Funk

It has definitely been a long couple of weeks for me here. I find myself being really down these past couple of days. I am not quite sure why. Last Sunday I had a day where I felt really great about being here…imagining that if I were to stay longer I could be happy. Feeling anxious about leaving in June but not because I want to leave but because it seems really soon. I do not by any means, really consider extending but it’s always a good sign to me when I feel happy here and am not thinking about when I get to leave. The good feelings didn’t last long and for some reason, I woke up Monday and had this “I want my mom” kinda attitude. I received a box from home that morning and opened it right away (devouring half of the apricotsJ). It was a great box. Right on…..it even included beef jerky, real licorice, and a very embarrassing kindergarten picture for my host mom…..evidence of the one time in my life I had an afro – the day my mom thought rag curls we be cute for my first school picture J I was so happy to get the package but it had me missing home. It accumulated with a million other things on my mind and now I am in this funk that’s hard to explain. I feel distracted. I can’t focus on my work. When I checked my email the other day, I was just skimming them and not really reading what they were about. I can’t even seem to focus on things I enjoy like reading and the watching the most recent TV series (this time it’s Heroes which is turning out to be great! Thanks mom for the suggestion).

I think I need something to rejuvenate me – something to get me back to myself again. Maybe I’m just tired and need some sleep. This weekend I plan to go to a friend’s house and stay over night – maybe cook dinner, go out for a couple of drinks, something normal. Then we’re heading to Banaue to get some souvenirs and visit some friends.

Then next week I am going to Manila. I am getting a check up with the PC doctor and then going to my friend Dustin’s wedding in Tagaytay. I’m going to be an usherette so I get to dress up and everything! I might even buy a new dress! Sounds silly but we don’t get a lot of chances around here to look nice and I am definitely looking forward to this one. It’ll also be another big group of PCVs – always a good time.

So I’m thinking about this funk I’m in and it is probably due to the past couple of weeks. I’ve been working on the library (still not finished) and it is taking forever. It’s hard to stay motivated with a project when it is taking so long and no one else seems to have the same attitude about it. They want it to be finished but are doing nothing to speed up the process. As I’ve said before, things move much more slowly in this country. People are not rushed about things….a practice in my patience for sure.

In addition to work stress, I received news that my host aunt has stage three breast cancer. They removed a cyst 3 weeks ago and the biopsy showed that it was malignant. She was scheduled to have a double mastectomy (is that right?) last Wednesday. Monday night, I was at home and the family was talking about who would go with her to the hospital. She was having the surgery in Baguio (about 7 hours away). No one was volunteering. She has a huge family and yet no one volunteered to accompany her. Anti was going around asking people to go with her. This really affected me. I couldn’t believe that she was about to undergo a major operation and no one was taking it seriously. They weren’t being supportive at all. She was still coming to her store to work everyday, cooking her own food, and being as busy as if she wasn’t sick. It was obvious to see that she was weak and I know that she was scared about the upcoming operation. I was especially upset with Mama Z for not offering. I expected her to be more supportive. Instead, she made the suggestion that I go with them. At first I was honored that I would even be considered but I also starting thinking that it was also a way for them to get out of going. I wanted to go. I wanted to be there for her and give her my support because it was apparent she was not getting it from anyone else. I said that I would go as long as KC, my host cousin, was able to join me. I felt a bit awkward being the only one and I know that Anti would prefer to have at least one person from her family there. It was agreed that we would both go, but I made sure to express my feelings to Mama Z about how upset I was that no one was offering to go, especially her. She could tell I was upset and it made things a bit awkward between us but I could not hold it in. To deal with her embarrassment, she said she couldn’t go because she wasn’t feeling well and that I am like her replacement and any time that she can’t do something or go some where, I can go in her place. I didn’t really buy it. It seemed like an excuse to keep her from looking bad. I really don’t understand them sometimes. Are they scared of the hospital and don’t want to say anything? Are they concerned but don’t want to show their feelings? It makes no sense to me how an entire family can act like that. I know that if I were to undergo a serious operation, I would have everyone in my family wanting to be there. I would not have to ask them and I would have their support throughout the entire process. Maybe I am just lucky to have such a great family.

We left on Tuesday with Anti in my cousins car (he drove). We assisted her with everything from Tuesday until Saturday when a cousin came to replace us. We accompanied her to all of her doctor appointments. I took charge of all of her medication – going out of the hospital to buy her medicine and keeping track of her schedule. I was very persistent and made sure we knew everything about what she was taking, when she was taking it, and what they were for. I imagine that the nurses and doctors were a bit relieved when I left – I didn’t give them a break for 5 days! We spent most of the week hanging around the hospital room while Anti slept. I brought some card games and my dvd player and KC and I watched about 8 episodes while we waited for Anti to get out of surgery. All went well and she is recovering well. She will most likely get out of the hospital today. She plans to stay in Baguio with some family while she recovers and then start chemo in a town about 2 hours from Lamut. It looks good, but you can never tell with these things. We just have to hope that the cancer will not return.

Overall, the trip was a positive experience. I am glad that I was there to look after her. I am also grateful for the time to bond with her and my cousin. I feel very close to them now. I feel that I can act like myself around them – joking around, talking a lot, and just being silly. KC and I are now much closer which is great because she is staying at our house to help out with Mama Z and basically my only female companion even close to my age.

We ended up having to stay longer than expected because no one from Lamut would come to take our places. Again, this has me very upset. I felt like I was being taken advantage of by the family. Anti was such a great patient and very appreciative. I have no hard feelings towards her at all but I am a bit put out with the rest of them who kept making excuses for why they couldn’t come. Finally, on Saturday, KC and I were replaced and set free to go around the city. It was her first time to leave the hospital in 5 days! She had only been to the city once before and I wanted to show her around. She’s only 14 so a trip like this was pretty exciting. I took her out for pizza and ice cream, and then to the mall for some window shopping. We walked around Baguio market which is huge and bought some things to take home as pasalubong gifts. I opted for sweet corn and cauliflower though I am sure my family would rather have donuts or sweets J
On the way back to the hospital, I had something crazy happen….I caught a man trying to open my purse. I looked at him and just said “Excuse Me!” He was embarrassed and turned immediately into a bakery, acting like he was going to buy something. I followed him and started shouting at him in Ilokano that I saw him open it, saw his hand moving around, and that he had probably taken something. He told me to check my purse, and that he hadn’t taken anything. I was flustered and my heart was beating really fast. I looked through my bag and didn’t see anything missing so I let him go, feeling flustered and rushed. After we left, KC and I started laughing. What a thing to happen! I was all pumped up about what had happened and surprised at myself for shouting at him in Ilokano. I wish I saw the looks on the other’s faces in the bakery. I be they were surprised – young white girl shouting in Ilokano. Unfortunately, when we got back to the hospital I saw that he did in fact get my small coin purse with some bills in it. I have no idea how much he got. Luckily I had already bought all the things I needed otherwise it would have been more. I wasn’t too upset about it. It gave me a good story to tell and added some excitement to our trip.

We spent Saturday night with my host dad’s sister. It was the first night we had in 5 days where we got to sleep through the night! I think we managed to sleep about 11 hours! We headed back to Lamut on Sunday…a very long trip back with a fussy kid, a window that didn’t roll down, a car that needed a push to start and gauges that didn’t work (we ran out of gas about 30 minutes from home). I had just watched Little Miss Sunshine with KC and I felt we were reliving it.
This week it was back to work….books books and more books.

As you can see, it’s been a busy couple of weeks. I have been terrible with email as a result – my apologies. And now I’m in some kind of funk. I’ve been jogging again – my toe is nearly healed completely now – and it’s been helping to relieve some stress. It’s weird because although I was stressed and sleep deprived last week, I really enjoyed my time with Anti and KC.

Sorry for the negative blog – it’s just my mood these days. I’ll get back to my normal self soon – after a weekend of rest hopefully. Good news (for me) is I am planning another dive trip for March. I’ll be going to Cebu to help facilitate a training and plan to stay a few days longer to dive with my friend Vera (German volunteer).

I hope things are going well back home. I’m checking CNN every few hours for Super Tuesday updates. I’m crossing my fingers for Obama!

I love you all. Write me emails when you can. I do read them even though I am terrible at responding.

Eva