birthday fun

Hi everyone! start of another week here. Last weekend I went to Banaue - again! - this time it was for the birthday party of the barangay captain of saytan and his mother who turned 105! On the way from saytan they picked me up in lamut and then picked up jill just outside kiangan.
We got to banaue friday afternoon. we spent most of that evening visiting people and hanging out for pre-birthday celebration. Saturday we woke up early and went back to the party. These events always involve the community so they butchered 5 pigs and a caribou to feed everyone. I was witness to the butchering of a pig and a caribou. It was the first time id seen it. Jill and Adam were not first timers -theyve seen plenty. First they killed the pig - about 4 men take it up to a block and hold it down and stab its neck. they continue holding it down until all the blood is drained. they use this blood later for cooking. I have to admit I got teary this first time. Ive seen them clean and gut them before but hadnt seen this part yet. I started thinking about Ohio! Afterwards, I had a great appreciation for the animal. It died so we could all eat. One of the things I really like about this culture is that they use all of the animal. They dont waste anything. so the caribou -this was wild - it was a one man job. they walked the animal out and in about two seconds the man jumped in the air and put a machete throught the back of his neck and then into his back. sometimes they use quite a few men with the larger animals and cut off their legs at the same time. a long time ago a bunch of men would go after it all at once cutting off what they could get and keeping it. They cut up all this meat and then boil it for lunch. this family saved a lot of the meat and gave pieces out to all the guests. this was pretty amazing. it was a lot of meat - expensive meat - and they handed it out as thank you gifts. their hospitalitly and generousity is profound here. oh, one thing i wanted to mention about the caribou - the size of its stomach - its huge! they cut it open and it was full of grass. they scoop this out and make it into soup. the bile gives it a bitter taste. one of the reasons i think they like it is because typically they arent allowed to use spices during these occasions or eat vegetables so this gives the meal a little flavor. i have yet to try it - and dont think im going to.
anyways, saturday night we went back to adam's house with nanang florentina. they cooked our meat for dinner. ever tried caribou? definately not my favorite but not too bad if its cooked right. sunday we got up and after lunch went to watch the boxing fight - its really big here. i didnt even know who pacquio was - when his name was mentioned i thought it was some ilokano word i didnt understand - maybe the name of the cockfight not a boxing match. our crowd was mellow - hardly anyone talked and this was a big event. im not big into sports but i like the scene - usually. though nanang got into it.
sunday night i came back home on the night bus. i got a deal too - first because the drivers know adam there and also because they didnt have change for me - so i got nearly a 50 percent discount. good company too. i sat next to a young student and practiced my ilokano. then i sat next to a woman who knew jill in kiangan - more language practice. its really nice when you can finally hold a conversation with someone. right now my problem is that i can understand almost everything but i cant express myself. so most of my conversations are a lot of uh huhs and yeahs. but im trying and hope im getting better - i think i am!
it was really nice to come back home again. it always is after ive been gone a long time. when i left on friday i was very excited to see nanang florentina and mama sonia saw my excitement. i felt a little bad because i didnt want her to think i preferred their company because she doesnt often see me react like that. when i came back on sunday that is one of the first things she commented on - how excited i was to see them. i think its because im there everyday. if i was to move out and come back id be even more excited to see them. im by far closer with my family in lamut than any other filipino. so sunday night i made sure to take some time to catch up with everyone.
this weekend was kinda rough for me. i was super moody the whole time. it started out well but its hard to be immersed in the community 24/7 for three days, and under the watch of nanang. i felt like i had to be a hostess and put on a bit of a viscade - in a good mood all the time, talking alot, etc. and not seeing other americans for a while and then all of a sudden being together again - its hard. so by sunday i was stressed and crabby.
i learned a few things for sure this weekend. for one - i already knew this - i get stressed out too easily over the little things. really i gotta let things go that dont matter, especially things i cant control becuase what can i do anyways? why get upset about it. another thing, i have a tendency to be a know it all - not in a snobby sense but in a stubborn sense where i like things my way. both of these things do not help a situation that is already difficult. i gotta relax for sure. adam suggests i start some meditation. maybe - i think itd be good for me. some kind of stress management.
some more things - i noticed that ive been using my reading as a crutch. i come home from school and i sometimes hideout in my room for 3 hours until dinner reading. then after dinner i go back in my room to read. i gotta stop that. its nice to read but i do it during the down times i have when i dont have work. what i should be doing during this time is going out and talking to people and making friends. all i am doing by reading is isolating myself even more. i dont have a lot of connections here - most people my age are in college or working abroad or starting a family and always at home. there are no drinking circles or crowds standing on corners like there are with the men. its a bit trickier. im gonna start hanging out at the store more and going on walks and try to integrate more with my fellow teachers. when i came to lamut i wasnt introduced to any of the teachers, never given a tour of the school, and liza kind of kept me for her own. i was shy and any effort i made to do anything were brushed off and i accepted that. so now i have to make up for what i didnt do before. another thing i noticed, somewhat related to this, is that i make up these tense situations when there is no tension. for example, if i am sitting with a lot of other filipinos, i feel inclined to talk, if im not talking then i feel that it is a bit stressful and i want to leave the situation to get out of it. but i think most of it is in my head. a lot of people here just hang around and dont say anything. they are okay with quiet moments/periods. adam suggested that i just go up to people and sit down next to them and not say a thing. something to test myself. i really took on this whole peace corps adventure becuase i wanted to challenge myself and help others. i cant work with other people if i dont talk to them and im not challenging myself if i run away from any stressful situation. part of it too is that i am gone alot on the weekends - these are the best chances to get to know people becuase there is usually something going on. ive decided i need to start going to church every weekend - this will be a start.
ok so thats me for now. trying to improve things here. its hard to look at myself and see all the flaws - its a bit depressing becasue ive been here so long andthen to see how ive been doing things wrong - its like ive wasted so much time. better to fix things now - i still have a long way to go.
i love you all! i write next time after thanksgiving and let you know how turkey tastes this side of the world.