HI again...so i am at the new place i found in lamut checking my email again. boy am i going to use this alot. internet is definately the best way to beat boredom. and it seems i always have so much to do - an endless list that never gets done so im finally gonna tackle it.
first i wanna say how jealous i am of jorgen and aaron spending a week in minnesota. and yes grandma told me you ran out of gas and i just kept thinking how i wish i was there! that trip is gonna rock - i sure miss you guys!
so what else....last blog i didnt write much about whats going on here. ill start topic by topic hows that....family...well i might be repeating myself but i dont care i am too lazy to check the other blogs to see what i wrote...so here it goes...still going well at home yet i am starting to see why peace corps volunteers like to live on their own - i am back to being a kid again except this time a kid that doesnt do anything to help out and that is told how to do things and what to eat and when to eat....its starting to frustrate me. i want to help out aruond the house but we have a house helper who does everything. sometimes i just step in and tell her to do something else so i can wash the dishes. i do clean my own room and my own underwear but there are girls that come and do our laundry on the weekend. and cos we have to do it all by hand, i go ahead and let them...tho i might stop cos my clothes are being stretched out, faded by the sun, and two of my shirts were torn. its also the food thing.....it can be such a big deal tho seems so simple...its just food right? but the mom is still making a lot of food for me and its great and nice of her but she will have a dish, for example, the whole family will eat out of it, but she will get me a separate bowl and put say...a whole fish in it and say its mine..and set it next to my plate while also pushig the other dishes around me. i dont know if im dealing with it well but what i have been doing is just eating what i want. no matter if she is asking me five times to eat something i just say im full and she will say why you eat more. not gonna do it. figure i got to set the tone for the next two years. and if she knows i like something she will continue to make it or do it for me everyday. another example..the mangoes...i like them and she knows it..right now they are expensive ...not in season really...but she still buys them for me. i wont ask for it but she will get one and cut it at least once a day at a meal. the others dont eat them so if i dont eat it it can go to waste. also you cut it in three pieces...with the seed as the middle piece with a little fruit around it. most people dont like this part but i do. so i was eating it alot so now she always gives that part to me and she started cutting the mango so its the biggest piece and the other ones are tiny...but you see i like the other pieces too just sometimes the seed but the image has stuck. so what ive been doing is refusing the mango all together or not eating the seed piece hoping she will stop cutting it so big or at least ask me if i would like it first. these things must seem petty and i must seem mean. i do all this nicely and am never rude. and i really do appreciate her kindness. but sometimes i want to wake up in the morning and eat what i want, when i want, or not at all....same with lunch...or i just want to be treated as everyone else....not pushed to eat and taste everything and not questioned about it all...like breakfast she knows i like bread so lately she has been toasting bread every morning for me...and she will do so much and no one else will eat it and it will sit there and get ants. she says you eat more..but i cant eat half a loaf....i think part of all this is that i dont want them spending their money on expensive food...bread is more expensive than rice...and i definately dont want that food going to waste. and i dont want special treatment. at the same time i am working to get her to stop frying everything. lately the sound of the oil in the pan frying just makes me cringe...so much oil in everything...ive been pushing this and now she tells me when there isnt any oil..and doesnt fry my eggs in it anymore either. this is really nice tho i know that the others, especially bembol like the fried food so sometimes he isnt eating much at dinner. i told him today that i am going to turn him around...make him healthy by the time i leave...joking around of course. hopefully you can see where the stress is. i want to buy my own food and make it but it seems weird to eat a different meal and its way expensive to feed the whole family what i am eating. i bought some thigns like oatmeal and ketchup but they eat it too and then its gone really quick. i do like to cook for them tho things like popcorn, pancakes, potato salad, gonna make cookies next week as the aunt got a toaster oven. its become a weekend routine with mae to cook.
im done with food...i cant believe i went of like that about it...and im not even done.ha! oh didnt mention feeling like a kid....i did talk with the family about it. i said ya know this is hard for me. ive lived on my own for 5 years. im 23 and im treated the same as bembol who is 13...i made it seem more like i was teasing myself for being like such a kid again. i told them i want to help and be treated the same - they said eventually i just need a few months to settle in. a few months is a long time. i want some control over my life now be treated like everyone else. anyways...
so what...work? geez...more ranting there. i do have good news that some of my efforts may have payed off....ive been spending a lot of time trying to get materials, donations, money for our class with little success....however this past couple of weeks we had local gov heads donate some toys for us...like blocks and clay. then i went to the municipal hall to talk with the education head chairman about getting some money and he said he would give me 2500 pesos..ok thats only like 50 bucks but its a lot here....what i pay for rent and food each month to put it in perspective. its not a whole lot to work with but i was way pumped. now the bad news is that today i found out it may already be accounted for. others wanted to use that money for other things and i think it was spent so now i have to go back and see if it can still be given to me. i am crossing my fingers. its all we got so far. i had a meeting with the parents last week. it went okay. i rambled a bit and when i asked them quesitons they didnt give me any feedback really. im tryign to get ideas from them how and who to solicit and also get money or materials from them. it would have helped if liza had supported me but she really left me on my own. she was able to get some money from them earlier in the year - she asked for 300 a piece for an electric fan. i didnt agree with this purchase as we didnt have any materials and was actually unaware about the whole idea until she got it from two parents. well that wasnt enough anyways so no fan. we are going to give them their money back and then request money donations for supplies. im hoping this will work...oh yeah, and i found out yesterday that liza spent that 600 already so she cant refund them until pay day. nice.
on a good note..i had my welcome party today ...they loved the potato salad and i made puto...flour cakes.....mama zonya really helped me so much. as much as she stresses me out she is so great. we were up until 11 cooking it. mae was there as was marleen the niece of mama zonya. zonya went yesterday and bought everything for me. she even ordered pop from her vendor (she has the store remember) and gave me flour, sugar, butter, cheese, mayonaise, all from her store. i tried to pay her today for most of it....and she only took some of the money. i know it was all expensive and it really was hard work for a quick 30 minute snack at the school. but its over now and it hopefully helped the teachers accept me more as their own. they seem to like me as it is but this im sure will help improve my relationships with them.
ive not been feeling too homesick lately...actually the time is flying by. my biggest worry is my motivation. i feel really lazy sometimes like i dont want to go to work. i dont want to work with the kids. and some days i honestly hope for an excuse for classes to be cancelled or for the students not to come so i can go home and do my own thing.
part of it is that im still waiting to prepare the whole class and its a slow process and part of it too is that liza and i dont work as a team. i really want us to be doing everything together - consulting each other on all matters and i really want her support with my solicitation. i realize that i am very independent and its hard to work with someone. and i am stubborn with my ideas and in my ways. i think that if i was left on my own to do this i would be so much farther along. just take complete control and go.... but i cant. and liza doesnt have the same motivation or ideas that i do so its hard. and she can be really bossy to me. she tells me what to do alot and also tells me how to interact with the kids. this is really frustrating and just makes me want to work alone even more. i have decided we need to change our relationship. thats a step. i really just need to talk to her. ive tried to include her in what i am doing and invite her along on all my visits but she doesnt come...and when she declines, im glad. its hard not much else i can say.
the kids are great tho. i love em. really funny. one kid with down syndrome is really funny and really smart. hes great. i know he likes coming to school and thats a great feeling.
wow im tired...lots of rambling. if its really negative sorry...i do really enjoy so much here. and my family is great really. next time ill re read these and then write a better one :) love you all.
eva